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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. Mae West

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers

A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. Yogi Berra

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? Robin Williams

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. Robin Williams

The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, ‘Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.’ She’s got a baseball bat and yelling, ‘You want a piece of me?’ Robin Williams

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. Phyllis Diller

Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t cope with drugs. Robin Williams

When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic. Jane Wagner

I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. Charles M. Schulz

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? James Thurber


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