George Carlin’s Wise Sayings

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Have  you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac ?

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. (My favorite)

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

When someone is impatient and says, ‘I haven’t got all day,’ I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. (Think about that!)

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Always do whatever’s next.

Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on ??

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

I’m not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it’ll be much harder to detect.

If you try to fail and succeed….what have you done??     (Editor’s note….would you consider yourself a successful failure as opposed to an unsuccessful one?????)


Hope you enjoyed!


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